BURNOUT
by Cyndi

If it’s burnout . . . where's the smoke? Burnout doesn't just happen all at once. But burnout is a process! There is always smoke before a fire! So first let me start by telling you about our experience.

One late evening Jim and I were sitting in our living room too tired to even talk about the days events. I know in God's Word He promises us that we will fly like eagles, and not get tired or weary when we run. But I didn't get it because I was exhausted, I was worn out. Jim suggested I look up Isaiah 40:31. Yes there it was! God's promises! So why was I so tired? What was I doing wrong? Then I decided to read the whole chapter. I stopped short when I read verses 28 & 29. "He gives strength to the weary!" That was definitely me!!

As the pastor's wife, I was in charge of all aspects of the Women's ministry. I sat in with Jim as he counseled couples, I counseled women one on one, taught Women's Bible study, was in charge of the worship team, was in charge of the Jr. High AWANA program with all of it's activities, did the puppet ministry, planned and spoke at our annual women’s retreats, and drove one of the passenger busses to and from activities.

I was weary! With good reason! But if it was for God . . . then He would give me the strength, right? It says so right there. Then I saw it, "yet those who wait on the Lord will gain new strength."

I was deeply convicted that I was not waiting on the Lord at all. I was running out in front, organizing, directing sometimes pushing and shoving, definitely controlling or at least trying to control the Ladies ministry and expecting God to # 1 Bless my efforts, and #2 Give me supernatural strength.

Now I want you to know that I believe with all my heart that God is perfectly capable of doing just that . . . however I wasn't doing my part. So a few days later, I got down on my knees I cried out to the Lord. I confessed to Him that I was doing everything in my own strength and power and I asked Him to help me understand what it meant to wait on Him. I asked Him to show me what He would have me do! If you'd asked me, I would have told you we were a typical ministry couple. Jim would spend hours locked behind closed doors preparing his messages, Bible study, men's fellowship etc. I took care of our kids, women's ministry, children's ministry, music ministry, and tried to keep him happy.

At least once a week at first, Jim would tell me that he wasn't capable of ministry. So through the years it became my job to pump him back up, whenever he was discouraged. How did it happen? How did I become so overloaded, worn out and discouraged? Again, let me say it wasn't a flash fire. I wasn't ok one day and torched the next. No! It was gradual and subtle.

As a matter of fact I purposed to work with and train others. An older, wiser, experienced missionary wife had counseled me that our job is to train people to minister, and work ourselves out of a job. (Eph.4:11&12) I had done that in many areas, but the truth is, when people drop the ball, move or just plain drop out, it always fell back on Jim and me. It got to where it was easier to just do it myself, instead of counting on someone else to do it and end up with it in my lap. It was at this point that I was believing two very big lies.

1. "If I don't do it, it won't get done".

2. "Anything we do for the Lord, must be done right". (Of course right by whose definition.)

Both lies involve some major control issues. What I was really thinking is that if I don't do it, it won't get done my way!

The first thing I let go of was the Jr. High ministry. The next area of ministry I released my hold on was the worship music. Next was ladies Bible study. Letting go and not always being in charge, (control) allowed me to spend time with the Lord for myself personally, and not just for preparation. I finally had time to be available to Him. To spend time in His Word and prayer. As my relationship with the Lord improved, so did my relationship with the people/ladies. I allowed them to see me as a person with failures and struggles as well as successes and blessings. They got to know me as Cyndi, not the pastor's wife who can do everything.

Over a one year period, I had worked myself right out of a job (well not really). Actually the Lord showed me that He wanted first place in my life, not just in word, but in my heart and my actions (James 1:22-25). What I didn't realize at the time, but see clearly now looking back, God was drawing me close to Him so that I would be able to survive the next 15 months and Jim's burnout!

Jim's story: Looking back on my "burn out" experience, I realize I began my ministry with several unresolved issues.

1. A need to be in control both in my personal life and ministry.

2. Being a "control freak" resulted in me trying to have everything just right. I put a lot of pressure on Cyndi to try to keep me happy.

3. When things didn't go right I would get angry. But because I was a "people pleaser" I took my anger out on Cyndi. This is also how I controlled her. She also tried to keep me "happy" by taking on many church responsibilities.

4. I was very "task" oriented. My ministry was do, do, do. Do programs like AWANA'S, men's fellowship, Wed. Bible Study. Do building projects, do landscaping, keep the building and sanctuary just so, looking good on the outside. All this "doing" interfered with my relationship to God. When the time pressure was on, I had less and less time for God.

5. I was feeling responsible for everybody and everything. I tried to keep everyone happy, which I was able to do for a number of years until the church grew to the point there was just too much. This is when the anger built and built. Toward the end I was angry at everybody about everything. But the people had no idea. The elders had no idea. Cyndi knew because she received the brunt of the anger. All I could think about was quitting and getting out of the ministry. I felt so trapped and angry, angry at God, angry at the people, angry at Cyndi, angry at myself.

It was at this point following one of my outbursts of anger Cyndi said "When are you going to do something about your anger?" I went to my office, looked in the yellow pages and found a Christian Counselor. I thought I was going crazy and afraid I was going to do something like punch an elder, or worse. After three visits with the counselor, he explained that unless I got out of the pressure of ministry for at least three months, I would do "something stupid".

This is when I contacted my district representative, and explained the situation to him. He came to my next counseling appointment. The counselor explained his diagnosis of my condition, explaining the need for a minimum three month rest leave with extensive counseling. The DR and I went to the elders. Two weeks later we notified the congregation and Cyndi and I moved to a rental house, seven miles away.

My rest leave meant that we were to have no contact with the church, or people. They were not to call us, or if they happened to see us in town, they were not to talk with us about anything related to us or ministry. I continued counseling twice a week for three months and then went once a week for 6 months.

I found temporary work, and we stayed out of the ministry for another nine months seeking the Lord's leading. In March another district representative called and asked us to consider getting back into ministry. We began our new ministry one and a half years later, and relocated to a new state.

I believe the critical part of my leave was the counseling. If I had only taken a "break" for several months, I believe I would have only done the same thing again. The counseling helped me deal with my issues, to understand my self and how ministry is perfect soil for burn out for "controlling, task oriented, people pleasing, affirmation addicted, responsible feeling, and angry people, like myself.

I have a better understanding of myself and know what I must do to maintain a close relationship to God, be committed to truth and to what God has called me to do, not what people expect. Being back in ministry, I will admit at times it is tough to keep from falling back into the "old patterns of behavior". One time about five months into our new ministry, I almost went back in to counseling. I may still have to. I will if necessary!

Cyndi’s story: The fifteen months that we were on rest leave were very difficult for me. I was angry and embarrassed. I was angry because I felt ostracized from the very people I had been developing a close relationship to. I wasn't tired anymore, God had worked that out, so why did I need to take a rest leave too?

In the mornings when the kids would go off to school, and Jim would go off to work, I was alone with lots of time on my hands. It was the first time in our 20 years of marriage that Jim and I weren't working together, and I really struggled with my identity. After all if I wasn't a pastor's wife, who was I?

I was so thankful that God had begun a year earlier to draw me to Himself. In those fifteen months of unrest, wondering who I was, wondering what Jim was going to do, wondering why God had allowed this to happen to us, to our family, I had plenty of time to spend, just me and God.

No busyness, no studies to prepare, no ministry to organize, just me and God. During that 15 month rest-leave, I started the journey I had looked for all my life. A journey with God that was not based on doing, but being. Being intimate, personal and real with God.

So, what causes burnout? Listed are just a few of the circumstances I believe leads to burnout.

1. We become drained spiritually and emotionally when we work a lot with hurting and troubled people.

2. A person in ministry is never done with their work. People's problems are ongoing.

3. He/she is never able to evaluate their work. Often it is years before a minister/pastor realizes that he has helped someone.

4. Burn out comes when you just keep giving out and you are not taking in. In ministry sometimes we forget how to have fun. Wherever they go and whatever they do they are always at work. They give and give but take little time for themselves.

Warning Signs: What are some warning signs? From our stories you may have picked up on mistakes that we were making. I hope so!

1. I was too busy! 30 years ago I heard a quote from Dr. Dobson, "If Satan can‘t make you sin outright, he‘ll make you so busy you become ineffective". Learn to delegate, learn to say no, and learn to let "God be in control of all the programs and ministries." Even at the risk of letting some things die.

2. How do we support our husbands? We need to love our husbands by respecting, supporting, and encouraging them; however we can't make them happy. Stay out of God's way!! Perhaps if I had not taken on the responsibility of Jim's happiness, God would have been able to work thru his issues sooner.

3. Be honest! Honest before God with all of you hurts and pains and struggles. Honest with your husband about your hurts, pains and struggles and abilities, and be honest with your people. Let them see that you are human. Let them see that you struggle in your walk with the Lord, or with your husband, kids, or circumstances. Let them see that you aren't perfect, but in process just like them.

Smoke signals . . . what to look for and a few suggestions.

1. Is there a discrepancy between what's at home and what's at church? I know that our homes are the place where we can "let it all hang out", however not to the point that we have a dual personality. (Our church face and our private face). People and especially our kids need to see honesty and consistency between our words and our actions.

2. Watch for prolonged fatigue, and spending more and more time at work but getting less and less done. Jim used to talk about how overloaded he was, how he didn't have enough time, and I remember thinking? "what's he doing with his time?"

3. Take a regular day off. Have a date night. Take regular vacations! Learn to have fun together!

4. Watch for cynicism, anger, depression, extreme frustrations or intolerance, zoning or tuning out, and avoiding people. We will all experience these emotions in our lives, the important thing to watch for is "how do we handle them... what do with do with our frustrations?" I would suggest an accountability group, or at least one other person who will listen, but also be honest with us. We women don't usually have a problem in this area, but our men do. Encourage them to find a man they can talk to and pray with.

5. Take advantage of opportunities to fellowship with other people in ministry. Attend mini-conferences and conferences, and when you are there, take a risk, BE REAL!

6. Share with your DR what's going on in your ministry. That's what they are there for. They are our Pastor! Go to them. If they can't help they will find someone who can . . . but they can't help if they don't know. (I was afraid for Jim to share with the DR and wondered if we share with the DR what will happen? Will we loose our job, our ministry?)

During our experience with burnout, I learned that God really is there in the midst of our pain and struggles. Not there for our ministry, necessarily, but for us personally and our relationship with Him.

Cyndi has a degree in Biblical counseling which she pursued after the above story. Her motivation was to be available for other pastors' wives. Cyndi and Jim call Colorado home, have grown children, and 3 grandchildren. They are currently "on call" to help with Mennonite Disaster Relief. Cyndi also serves as the Heart of America Ministry Women's E-mail Counselor. You can contact her at: onlinbibcouns@comcast.net